How to Talk To Your Spouse About Marriage Counseling
Bringing up the topic of marriage counseling can be a very difficult experience, especially when you have no idea how your partner will react. There is an outdated stigma around marriage counseling that it is only for “broken” marriages. That is, of course, not true at all. But, it can feel like you are telling your spouse that you believe your relationship is a failure when introducing the idea of marriage counseling. If you want your relationship to change, marriage counseling might be your best option. Let’s look at some ways you can talk to your partner about marriage counseling effectively.
Present it from a position of care, empathy, and pride in your marriage
When presenting the idea of marriage counseling, it can feel like an attack, despite our best efforts. For the partner who hears their partner’s request for marriage counseling, there is a natural tendency to feel defensive and to believe that we have let our partner down. Presenting marriage counseling not as a failure, but instead as a proactive approach because your marriage partner means so much to you can help them to better understand and to feel assured that you believe you can get through this situation with some outside help. Seeking marriage counseling is not a desperate act of a failing marriage. It is a truly courageous step to say “We need help and I believe this relationship is worth the time, effort, and money that will take. I am not okay with losing you and I want to make sure we work together to stop that from happening.” Rather than approaching the conversation with anger and frustration, help your partner understand why they matter to you and how this difficult step forward can help you both.
Lead with hope
The decision to explore marriage counseling can feel overwhelming and hopeless, as if it is a last resort that probably won’t amount to anything. Help your partner understand that you would not be seeking marriage counseling if you did not have some level of hope in the relationship. Maybe that hope has dwindled and is barely hanging on by a thread, but it is still there. Acknowledge that there is a part of you that feels hopeful and believes that the two of you can get through this to create a more honest, vulnerable, and strong relationship. People usually do not try to fix something when all hope is lost. They are far more likely to simply give up completely and not try. The fact that you are trying means that there is something in your relationship that you are holding on to, which is worth celebrating and valuing.
Bring it up at a calm time
Too often, we try to make our needs and wants known in moments of chaos, strife, disconnection, and anger. It is natural to want to protect and look out for ourselves when we feel unsafe or alone, but this tends to cause us to get in our own way of getting our requests met. Do your best to not ask for marriage counseling in the middle of a conflict. Instead, try to approach your spouse when they are not overly burdened, stressed, or angry with you. That will make your request far easier to hear and understand without the additional animosity in moments of conflict. Bringing up marriage counseling in the middle of an argument can feel like a knife in the heart to the other partner, which will likely only make things worse. Maybe you believe your partner only listens to you when you are angry, but at least give them a chance to hear you when they are more receptive. It might prevent additional wounds from forming.
Give your partner a chance to feel their feelings
It is natural to become defensive when a partner expresses their hurt, frustration, or animosity when first introducing the idea of marriage counseling. This is an incredible opportunity to practice empathizing with and validating your partner. This can be a way to show them that you are willing to try something different by taking care of them in this moment of pain. That will not always look perfect because humans are messy creatures with insecurities, baggage, and pain. But, you can give your partner some empathy and offer an olive branch of understanding to show them that they are heard, understood, and that you are there for them even in this difficult conversation.
Consider two possible responses when your partner reacts defensively to your marriage counseling pitch:
“You see, this is exactly our problem! You never listen to me and you always look out for yourself. You don’t care about our marriage at all! I am tired of always being the one trying to fix this marriage and work on this. I give up!”
“I understand that this is really hard to hear. It is not easy for me to say either. I care about you and our marriage so much that I am willing to work on this with you and I know this feels very overwhelming. How can I help you in this moment?”
These are obviously two very different answers and this is going to be a leading question, but which one of those sounds better? Which one would you prefer to hear if you were on the other side of the marriage counseling revelation?
Ultimately, we cannot prevent our partners from suffering or having difficult emotional experiences. But, we can be with them in those moments so that they do not feel alone. At the end of the day, that is what all of us need. To know that we are not alone in our pain.
What if they still won’t agree to marriage counseling?
They might still need time to figure out if this is what they truly want. There is a possibility that they need time to process the request, so you might need to provide that space to figure out if marriage counseling is what they want. What you should do your best to avoid, even though this is very difficult, is an ultimatum. Those can be an effective short-term strategy that has damaging long-term consequences. You might be saying to yourself “My marriage is in trouble, so consequences be damned.” That is a fair point, but the hurt that you might cause can ultimately do more harm than good. My suggestion would be to seek individual counseling to deal with the frustration, pain, and anger you might be feeling towards your partner and to figure out whether or not you want to continue in your marriage.
If you need a marriage counselor in Colorado Springs, you can get started here. You are taking a big step by seeking help and you deserve the chance to help your marriage!
