Understanding the Gifts Love Language
The five love languages have gained significant popularity as a way to express needs to partners and to better understand what helps us to feel loved. They are a helpful shorthand when we do not know how to express what we need. Plus, they provide wonderful insight for partners to know how to give the love we need. Gifts as a love language is one of the most harshly judged of the love languages and, I would argue, unfairly so! If you have a partner or spouse who appreciates gifts as their love language, read on to learn more about why gifts are important to them and how you can support them in their needs.
The Meaning Behind Gifts as a Love Language
Having gift giving as a love language means that you value others thinking of you when they are not around you. You experience love when the person you care about thinks about all of your unique qualities, what you would enjoy, and how everything about you can be expressed by something physical. It means that you love the idea of someone handing you a representation of how much they care about you, which helps you feel like you truly matter to your partner. Love can be abstract, but a gift provides a tangible object to hold, cherish, and display that reminds you of how loved you are, which provides a signpost in the dark when there is fear or worry that we are not loved.
Myths about the Gifts Love Language
Some people think that gift giving is a selfish or materialistic thing. But, you could also argue that asking someone to give up their time in acts of service is selfish. You could argue that asking an introverted person to express words of appreciation is selfish. But, part of being in a relationship is meeting our partner’s needs, even if they are not our own. It is showing that we can think about love in the same way they think about love, which demonstrates trust and a willingness to grow for someone else. That is a huge boost to intimacy and connection. It shows that you can empathize and identify with your spouse, which is what every human being on this planet aspires to receive! Rather than thinking about the inconvenience of looking for gifts, instead think about what your partner means to you and how you can best express that in the form of a physical gift to show them that they are a priority to you.
How to Support Your Partner’s Gifts Love Language
Dating someone who values gifts can sometimes be difficult, as you might find yourself scrambling for something unique amongst mass-produced items at the store. However, gift giving can often be about the thoughtfulness of the gift rather than the gift itself. Even making something for your partner can be valuable and incredibly meaningful. Many partners who prefer gifts want the thoughtfulness that comes with gift giving, rather than the monetary value. Otherwise, we could just stuff envelopes full of cash and give them over! What your partner wants is to see that you actually listen to them. That you heard them talking about a book they loved as a kid and putting in the effort to go find it. To know that you saw them struggling with their old kitchen utensil and you went out to buy them a new one. They want to know that they are heard, seen, and valued. What is crucial in supporting your partner’s gift love language is actually defining and understanding what kind of gifts they appreciate. What is a meaningful gift for them to receive? Do they have a story about a time they received a gift that made them feel special? They could prefer expensive gifts once a year or small tokens of appreciation throughout the week. They might prefer handmade gifts or store-bought gifts. It is important to know specifically what gifts they prefer to receive so that you can attend to their needs with the individual touch that your unique spouse needs.
What if your love language is different from your partner’s?
This is part of what it means to be in a relationship. To treat others as they want to be treated, rather than how you would be treated. We often try to show partners love in the way that we would prefer because we assume that’s what they want too! But being with someone else means having to change the way we think, to empathize with them, and to show them that we are capable of meeting their needs rather than our own. It can be a tough adjustment at first, but soon you’ll be well-practiced at speaking your partner’s love language! Sometimes attending to our partner’s love language can make us jealous or angry that our needs are not being met. This is understandable, but I caution you against expressing this need with anger, as it gets in the way of what you are hoping to achieve. Love languages are a two-way street and you cannot receive without giving. When providing for your partner starts to feel one-sided, you can articulate your needs too. Rather than saying “Look at everything I have done for you,” instead talk about the effect that receiving gifts has had on your spouse and how you long for that too. For example, saying something like “I see how you receiving your love language has made us closer and helped you feel more loved. I would appreciate that too and the best way for me to receive love is quality time, words of affirmation, etc.” Then it is helpful to define what your primary love language looks like for you. Is quality time sitting next to each other and watching TV? Is it going out for a nice meal and conversation? Do you best receive words of affirmation in written form or verbally? All of these defining conversations are important to have for both partners to have their love languages met!
