The definition of infidelity is not as clear as we might think. One person might consider infidelity to be sex with another person, while another could consider emotional affairs infidelity. Pornography use has also been seen as infidelity by some. By any definition, infidelity involves an experience of betrayal and a loss of trust. The question most couples experiencing infidelity face is: The relationship you thought you had is over. Do you want to start a new relationship with your partner? You might not know the answer to that question now, but you can find the answer as you move through infidelity counseling together. The goal in infidelity counseling is to re-establish trust, for the betrayed partner to feel heard, and for the partner who engaged in infidelity to offer atonement for their actions. Understanding what happened together and moving forward into a new relationship can make you stronger than you were before infidelity occurred.

The act of infidelity and the betrayal disintegrates a couple’s relationship. It breaks trust, erodes intimacy, and heightens the emotional intensity of each partner. The necessary work after infidelity is a re-assessment of the relationship through atonement, attunement, and attachment, which are the three stages of the Gottman Trust Revival Method, an evidence-based route to a renewed relationship after infidelity.

Phase 1 - Atone

In this phase, the partner who engaged in infidelity needs to express genuine remorse for their actions. It is not possible to build a new relationship together without trust built over time. This action is the first step in that process. It is natural to feel defensive or to want to explain yourself after infidelity, but the first phase needs to be a focus on the partner who feels betrayed. The betrayed partner will work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust as the other partner works on atoning for their affair. It will be crucial to acknowledge wrongdoing to lead the way to exploring why infidelity happened without blame or criticism.

Phase 2 - Attune

After forgiveness and working on understanding why the affair happened, the focus shifts to rebuilding your relationship and making it a priority. In this phase, you will be working on rebuilding rituals of connection with each other, such as checking with each other every day to re-connect. You will work on using “I statements” rather than blaming your partner. Rather than saying “You are never for me,” you will instead work on statements like “I feel lonely when you leave during an argument because I am afraid you won’t come back.” Emotional depth is key at this stage to understand each other and become more connected.

Phase 3 - Attach

This phase is defined by re-engaging in sexual intimacy. It is a difficult step to take, especially as images of the affair and early hurts come back up. It is necessary to talk openly about these feelings, which is another form of intimacy that can make sexual intimacy feel more possible. In this phase, open conversations about sexuality to discuss preferences, fantasies, needs, and feelings can open you up to a more fulfilling sex life that ultimately moves you forward from the affair into your new, potentially stronger, relationship with your partner.

Learning these skills can help you each get your needs met in your relationship, which was likely a factor in the infidelity you experienced. Building a strong relationship will help you both to communicate when things do not feel right in your relationship in the future. You can share your emotions with each other without fear or without resorting to acting out to be heard. These healthful skills can renew your relationship and transform it into something more connected and powerful.

There are important questions to ask yourself prior to starting couples counseling to recover from infidelity. The primary question is: “Do I want to re-build this relationship?” If you have a partner who you believe is a good friend, good person, and who you still could enjoy being around, then couples counseling could be a wonderful option. If you believe that you could one day have the capacity to forgive your partner, that is also a good sign that couples counseling could be helpful. It is important to note that the definition of forgiveness here is not saying that your partner’s actions were okay, but instead letting go of the anger, hurt, and animosity to move forward in your life. If you can see yourself one day releasing the power that the act of infidelity has over you, then couples counseling could be helpful for your relationship.

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