How to Prepare for Marriage Counseling

Deciding to start marriage counseling is one of the most pivotal decisions a couple can make. It can be scary, vulnerable, exciting, encouraging, and any other emotion you could dream up! You’ve finally made the decision, found a marriage counseling, and you’re getting ready for your first session. What should you do to prepare for your first marriage counseling session?

Think about the history of your relationship

Your couples counselor is probably going to ask you and your spouse right out of the gate: How did you two meet? How did you fall in love? How did we get here now? A couples counselor wants to know the story of your marriage with all the ups and downs it entails. So, think about what first drew you to your partner when you first met. Why did you want to be with them? Maybe it was their eyes. Perhaps it was the way that they made you feel secure. It could have been the way they made you feel interesting and seen. All of those things are vital for a couples counselor to know about. If nothing else, it gets your session started off on a positive note and reminds you of why you are fighting for your relationship to continue. Knowing the way you see how you got to the point of seeking couples counseling is also crucial, as it gives context for what went sideways and how you can get back on track in your relationship.

Be prepared to be honest

Honesty can be hard, especially when your spouse is sitting right next to you! But transparency and honesty is the way forward to creating a more intimate relationship in the long-term. It may be hard to admit to your partner that you feel angry, unloved, and lonely, but emotion is what moves relationships from being stuck to greater connection. Your marriage has likely been absent of open communication and authenticity for years before going to marriage counseling, so try to be ready to break those patterns when you get started. It’ll absolutely feel hard, but your marriage will benefit from it and you’ll be thankful that you held nothing back in your attempt to get your marriage back on track.

Talk about your goals together

If you are coming to marriage counseling, you are likely committed to your relationship at some level. If you and your spouse are having a hard time communicating, try to take a chance on discussing your marriage counseling goals together. You might find that you two are on the same page more than you thought you were. Plus, having clear counseling goals will help both you and your counselor stay on track. Think about the most important aspects of your marriage and prioritize what needs the most work. Is it your communication that needs work? It could be sex, your different views on finances, your differing views on parenting, a recent life transition, or any number of other issues. Get your marriage counseling goals on track to keep sessions moving in the right direction.

Understand that you are both going to need to change

Some couples come into counseling expecting the counselor to side with one partner. They hope that the counselor will tell their spouse how wrong they’ve been and to convince them to see things from their spouse’s perspective. If only it was that simple! Relationships are a two-way street, it takes two to tango, and add in any other cliches you can think of here. Issues in marriage are never just one person’s fault and there are always two sides to every story (one more cliche!). For example, one partner might think that their partner is lazy and lacks commitment, which they see as the primary reason. The other partner might be feeling inadequate due to their spouse’s anger, which causes them to further fall into a shame spiral. So, they pull away, which causes their partner to become angrier, which drives them further away. And around and around we go. Your partner is certainly going to need to make changes to improve the relationship, but you will too. Like it or not, you both contribute to the issues in your relationship. Realizing that will make the process much more likely to succeed.

Know that it takes time

Couples especially come to counseling expecting for a quick solution. They hope that a marriage that has had problems for a decade will be solved in just a few sessions is unrealistic and it sets your marriage counseling up for failure. If you go to your dentist and expect them to fill a cavity in five minutes, you’re going to leave their office with an exposed nerve and a lot of pain. Marriage counseling is difficult and emotional work, which is often confusing, strange, and painful. All of those tough emotions can lead to a beautiful marriage with time, but it is unwise to get to couples counseling with the expectation of an easy ride. The recommendation is to try for at least three to six months. If you give up too soon, you likely won’t get to the depth you need to heal. If you think you’re healed after just a few sessions, you might leave and lose all the progress you made. Give it some time and, as Guns N’ Roses said, a little patience.

Figure out if you’re both committed

Marriage counseling can be hard even when both partners are committed to working on the relationship. It becomes significantly harder when one spouse is ambivalent about getting anything done. When one partner is not into it, couples counseling can feel like dragging someone along and trying to get them to move with you when their legs are broken. It is just so difficult and it is hard for change to actually happen. So, it is important to talk to your partner and see if they actually even want to do marriage counseling. If they do not and they’re not sure about continuing in the relationship, then you could do even more harm by jumping into couples counseling when they are not ready. Some couples counselors offer discernment counseling, which helps you figure out what you want to do as far as separation, staying together, and committing to couples counseling work. But that also takes buy-in from your spouse, so be sure that you’re at least on the same page with your goals, even if you disagree about how you both got to this stage in your relationship.

Prepare to talk about your family of origin

No matter how old we are, our parents and their marriage continue to shape our marriage and relationships. Our family of origin is where we first learn what love means, for better or worse. Our family systems are how we learn if we will get our needs met, if we will be safe, if we matter to another person. Our parents are our first and most important representation of what works and what does not work in relationships. Your couples counselor, if they know what they are doing, will ask you about your family, your family dynamics, and your role in your family. Give some thought prior to couples counseling about your family and the way they contribute to your current relationship. For example, was your father an angry man who shut people out with a wall of anger? That could be a big reason why your spouse’s anger hurts so much, in addition to explaining why you’re with your spouse in the first place. Being aware of that and being able to talk about it can help change the relationship dynamics, as well as providing you with some self-compassion about why certain aspects of your relationship are so hard to deal with

Be okay with not feeling okay

Starting marriage counseling takes a significant amount of courage. You are taking a monumental step with your willingness to be vulnerable with your partner and your marriage counselor. It is perfectly okay to feel nervous, uncomfortable, scared, and just generally worried about opening up so much. Of course you would be. We live in a world that encourages hiding our emotions beneath the surface and frowns on those who even seek marriage counseling, as if talking about emotions and working on your marriage are bad things. In that context, you have every reason to be concerned and to be protective of yourself and your relationship. Acknowledging that you need help shows that you care so much about your relationship and that you are not willing to let it go away, which says a great deal about you and your partner. Marriage counseling will not always feel like the smoothest journey, nor can anyone promise it will be easy or even that it will end with the result you are hoping for, but your willingness to try and fight for your marriage is an incredible first step that is worthy of both praise and nervousness!

If you want to get started with a marriage counselor in Colorado Springs, A Shared Heart Counseling can help you re-connect with your partner, discover the patterns that push you apart from each other, and help you build a more intimate relationship. Couples counseling is a big step and we are honored that you would consider us with such an important part of your life.