6 Steps to Overcome infidelity for the involved partner
Getting over infidelity is one of the most challenging issues any couple will ever face. It is a traumatic experience that presents a rollercoaster of emotions. If you are reading this, it means that you had an affair and have now realized in the aftermath just how much your partner means to you. With infidelity, your partner is thrust into a scary new place that they never dreamed they would be in when they married you. It might feel like you are the last person they want to see right now, but you are actually the person with the best chance of healing them and helping them find trust again. You got to this awful low point with deception. Couples counseling can help you to overcome infidelity together, but it will take time. It will also take a lot of work, but you have proven that you believe your relationship is worth that time and effort. You can help the infidelity recovery process with honesty, openness, and patience.
#1: Be Completely Honest
Coming clean about an affair is hard to do, but hiding the truth and delivering it in small doses is far worse. As the old saying goes, it’s better to rip the band-aid off all at once. If you’ve been in the midst of an affair, your partner has been either completely in the dark or suspicious the whole time while gaslighting themselves and saying “No, that couldn’t be true.” Being dishonest when caught or when revealing an affair only causes more pain that is harder to recover from in the future. Trust can only return with transparency. As the involved partner, you hold the keys to healing your partner and it is very important that you take that responsibility seriously.
#2: Cut off all contact with your affair partner
You might think that it will be easy to go back to just being friends with your affair partner, but you’ll find that to be an almost impossible feat. Your relationship with your affair partner has likely been built by slowly eroding boundaries, letting them in on your inner emotional world, and giving them something you haven’t been able to give to your partner. Continuing to talk only increases the likelihood that those subtle boundaries will be broken again. If you work with your partner or if you have to be around them for another reason, you need to make it clear to them that you will not be discussing your marriage, nor are you willing to engage in emotional conversations. That has to be over if you want your marriage or relationship to survive. Be sure to tell your partner when your affair partner attempts to engage with you. It might seem counterintuitive, but that will help build trust again and put you back on the same team as your partner.
#3: Be present
Affairs are often secret and hidden. The key to rebuilding trust is re-establishing safety in your relationship. Being physically present again will go a long way to showing your partner that you are back in your relationship. If you’re going to be late, tell your partner and explain why. In addition to physical availability, be available to help your partner with their pain. Be there to answer the questions your partner has. You might have to answer the same questions a hundred times, but it will absolutely help when you demonstrate your willingness to be there and to be consistent. Avoiding talking about it will just delay the pain. The resentment will brew under the surface and it will eventually submerge you both. Be there for your partner and you might be able to prevent that from happening.
#4: Take responsibility and have empathy
This is not going to be an overnight fix. You cannot get over the pain of infidelity in a matter of days or weeks. It takes significant time and space to overcome infidelity. You are not only overcoming the actual infidelity, but also the grief over the loss of the relationship your partner thought they had with you. Just like physical loss, grief can be a winding journey that does not resolve itself easily. We have to adjust to a completely new world with grief, which is why infidelity is so painful. Your partner has to feel all their feelings and move through moments of intense emotional turmoil. That takes time and you have to be willing to provide them that time if you want to recover from infidelity.
#5: Be patient
This is not going to be an overnight fix. You cannot get over the pain of infidelity in a matter of days or weeks. It takes significant time and space to overcome infidelity. You are not only overcoming the actual infidelity, but also the grief over the loss of the relationship your partner thought they had with you. Just like physical loss, grief can be a winding journey that does not resolve itself easily. We have to adjust to a completely new world with grief, which is why infidelity is so painful. Your partner has to feel all their feelings and move through moments of intense emotional turmoil. That takes time and you have to be willing to provide them that time if you want to recover from infidelity.
#6: Find a couples counselor
Couples counseling can provide a safe space for both of you to discuss your feelings and for a neutral perspective on your relationship. Couples counseling can help cool the anger, find the patterns that contributed to your relationship falling apart, and help you to rebuild trust with your partner. Infidelity is hard to overcome alone. It is even hard to overcome with therapy. But you increase your chances of success with couples counseling and your relationship is worth the investment in a quality couples counselor.
If you’re interested in couples counseling in Colorado Springs for infidelity recovery, book a session today with A Shared Heart Counseling. We can help you get back on the road to recovery to build your relationship into something deeper and more intimate than you thought possible.
