Couples Therapist on How to Move From Anxious to Secure Attachment Style

couples therapist anxious attachment tips

The first thing I always like to say about attachment styles are that they are not terminal diagnoses. Sometimes, the couples and individuals I work with are concerned that they will always act anxiously in their relationship, but attachment style is an adaptation to our the environments we experienced growing up. So, if something is an adaptation, it is possible to adapt to another way of being!

To develop a more secure attachment style, there is typically an emphasis from anxiously attached people for their partners to create that security for them. That is definitely important, but there is also an insatiability to anxious attachment that keeps you looking past any attempts at reassurance or security and keeps you in a narrative of unworthiness unless you are able to do some work on your end.

Examining Your Self-Talk

Examining our self-talk is crucial to shifting towards secure attachment. If you have anxious attachment and tune into your self-critical voice, you will likely start hearing some very similar and consistent themes. You will like talk to yourself from a perspective of unworthiness and brokenness. Paying attention to that voice can help you to see how you participate in your own anxious attachment by telling yourself that others do not love you, that their absence from you means that you are not enough, or that not receiving a text back means that the end of your romantic relationship is coming. Replacing these thoughts with self-compassion can help you to start recognizing your own worth separate from others, which is a massive contributor to relationship security. Personal insecurity often translates into relationship insecurity, which can damage a relationship that could have the possibility of succeeding.

Developing Other Interests and Support

Part of building the self-confidence that leads to secure attachment is having outlets separate from your relationship that are fulfilling and meaningful. Discovering who you are and letting yourself grow can help to provide confidence, as well as a distraction from what your partner is doing when they are not around. Additionally, having others in your life that can be a support system for you can help you feel connected to people without placing all of that pressure on your primary romantic relationship.

Self-Soothing and Emotional Regulation

In our anxious attachment behavior, what we are really looking for is soothing. We are acting from that chaotic place because we are strongly desiring stability and we are relying on another to give that to us. There is definitely a need for our partners to provide us with that stability, but anxious attachment causes us to want that always and to not be satisfied until we reach an unattainable level of certainty. Learning to self-soothe is vital to moving towards secure attachment, as this is something that securely attached people do really well. Learning to implement self-care into your daily routine, especially when you are triggered, can help you to take space in between moments of emotional triggering. Taking walks, meditation, yoga, deep breathing, art, journaling, listening to music, and mindfulness skills can all help to keep you regulated and in the present rather than the anxious attachment spiral.

Notice Your Emotional Triggers

Working to identify what causes the anxious attachment spiral for you can be huge to shifting towards secure attachment. If you know the how and why of what causes you to feel anxious, you can more easily work on what to do. For example, if you know that your partner not responding for hours will trigger you, then you can work with your partner to set up a check-in that helps you to feel connected again. If they are at work and cannot respond, you can use that as an opportunity to work on your self-soothing skills or connect with a friend to help you get through. Knowing your triggers also lets you know where they likely come from, which can help you to communicate more vulnerably with your partner. There is a massive difference between being yelled at for not paying enough attention to your partner and to hearing your partner talk about feeling insecure, disconnected, or scared. Typically, if we speak from a vulnerable place, our partners can empathize with us and understand why these asks are so important.

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